It is certainly starting to feel a lot like Christmas - the hot and balmy weather we have been experiencing exacerbating the Christmas pressure that seems to be on - lots of people out shopping, lots of traffic, Christmas catch ups, the rush to the end of the year.
Everyone in our house seems exhausted, the school year seems to be taking a long time to finish and getting people out of bed in the morning is getting harder.
The world of family law is particularly sensitive to Christmas.
Christmas can be such a difficult time to manage for separated families. It is logistically difficult, it's emotionally difficult, it's even financially difficult.
This year will be my 19th Christmas as a family lawyer, so here's a collection of hints and tips I have gathered over the years for the separated family:
- Plan ahead. If you saw the list of things I need to do in the next few days to get my own Christmas organised, you would be forgiven for thinking I am no expert at planning ahead for this festive season. However, here I am meaning don't put off the difficult conversation with the other party about Christmas arrangements, the closer you leave that to Christmas the harder the task will be.
- Step away from the hype - time and time again I have seen family law negotiations that have almost reached agreement either fall apart of take an unbelievable amount of time and pressure all because of trying to sort out Christmas arrangements. My observation is that often this happens because people get too caught up in the hype of Christmas and wanting arrangements that either fill that hype or satisfy the expectations of their wider family and friends. Does enjoying Christmas with your children have to be about seeing them on the day every year? Will your children benefit more from other special arrangements on another day? A childhood friend of mine always had Christmas with his Dad on the first weekend in December - I even went along a couple of times and it was great to have a whole different special event on a day dedicated to it.
- Try to work out presents jointly with the other parent. Don't use Christmas as an opportunity to bribe the kids with gifts, or to compensate for something. In my work as an Independent Children's Lawyer I often see the negative impact of such games around presents for kids.
- In negotiating Christmas arrangements do your best to ensure that children don't have to be transported long distances on Christmas Day. Christmas day is not a great day for travelling. Combine that with the stress and tension of changeover and the risk is heightened. Avoid it if you can.
- Create new Christmas rituals with your children in your new circumstances, try and create a new magic of Christmas rather than making the old feel awkward
- If you find it difficult to communicate with your ex, avoid alcohol so that you are in the best place to maximise the interactions being pleasant
- Make sure your wider family is on its best behaviour and be particularly mindful of the negative impact on kids of "bagging" the ex. Be mindful that kids pick up on not only the words but also the unsaid - make sure your mum isn't huffing and rolling her eyes every time your kids mention their mum/dad (yep, I have seen that come back to haunt people in court proceedings)
- It's too late for this year, but start now planning to budget for Christmas next year. Being worried about not having enough money for Christmas or managing debt after Christmas is added pressure that can lead to blow ups.
- Again, too late for this year but if you think you and your ex could benefit from some mediation to review or fine tune Christmas arrangements, don't wait until next December - start arranging mediation now. If you are disappointed with how you have handled things this year, think about a new year resolution of getting some counselling help to work on developing your skills to handle these tricky situations.
There is no denying that following separation, Christmas will never be the same as when your family was together. However, putting the effort in to carefully manage the situation can go along way towards making sure your kids have a great Christmas!
