thanks for the memories 2012

This time last year we were only weeks away from welcoming Miss T into the world.  Now at the end of 2012, we have had 11 weeks without her: what a lot can happen in a year.

A few people have commented to me: "bet you can't wait for 2012 to be over".  No, 2012 has been an amazing year and in lots of ways I don't want it to end.

The end of the year always brings a lot of reflection - given my birthday is Christmas Eve I suspect I reflect more than others as I contemplate "another year over and a new one begun" both on the calendar and my age.  The thought I can't shake today is as the clock ticks over tonight that will end the only year in which we had Miss T.

Thankfully, largely as a result of the last couple of years including "take a photo a day" resolutions we have lots of pictures....here are the favourites.

From our own cameras, in no particular order:

So, tonight frock up and raise a glass of bubbles in memory of Miss T......

'tis the season

It is certainly starting to feel a lot like Christmas - the hot and balmy weather we have been experiencing exacerbating the Christmas pressure that seems to be on - lots of people out shopping, lots of traffic, Christmas catch ups, the rush to the end of the year.

Everyone in our house seems exhausted, the school year seems to be taking a long time to finish and getting people out of bed in the morning is getting harder.

The world of family law is particularly sensitive to Christmas.

Christmas can be such a difficult time to manage for separated families.  It is logistically difficult, it's emotionally difficult, it's even financially difficult.

This year will be my 19th Christmas as a family lawyer, so here's a collection of hints and tips I have gathered over the years for the separated family:

• Plan ahead.  If you saw the list of things I need to do in the next few days to get my own Christmas organised, you would be forgiven for thinking I am no expert at planning ahead for this festive season.  However, here I am meaning don't put off the difficult conversation with the other party about Christmas arrangements, the closer you leave that to Christmas the harder the task will be.

• Step away from the hype - time and time again I have seen family law negotiations that have almost reached agreement either fall apart of take an unbelievable amount of time and pressure all because of trying to sort out Christmas arrangements.  My observation is that often this happens because people get too caught up in the hype of Christmas and wanting arrangements that either fill that hype or satisfy the expectations of their wider family and friends.  Does enjoying Christmas with your children have to be about seeing them on the day every year?  Will your children benefit more from other special arrangements on another day?  A childhood friend of mine always had Christmas with his Dad on the first weekend in December - I even went along a couple of times and it was great to have a whole different special event on a day dedicated to it.

• Try to work out presents jointly with the other parent.  Don't use Christmas as an opportunity to bribe the kids with gifts, or to compensate for something.  In my work as an Independent Children's Lawyer I often see the negative impact of such games around presents for kids.

• In negotiating Christmas arrangements do your best to ensure that children don't have to be transported long distances on Christmas Day.  Christmas day is not a great day for travelling.  Combine that with the stress and tension of changeover and the risk is heightened.  Avoid it if you can.

• Create new Christmas rituals with your children in your new circumstances, try and create a new magic of Christmas rather than making the old feel awkward

• If you find it difficult to communicate with your ex, avoid alcohol so that you are in the best place to maximise the interactions being pleasant

• Make sure your wider family is on its best behaviour and be particularly mindful of the negative impact on kids of "bagging" the ex.  Be mindful that kids pick up on not only the words but also the unsaid - make sure your mum isn't huffing and rolling her eyes every time your kids mention their mum/dad (yep, I have seen that come back to haunt people in court proceedings)

• It's too late for this year, but start now planning to budget for Christmas next year.  Being worried about not having enough money for Christmas or managing debt after Christmas is added pressure that can lead to blow ups.  

• Again, too late for this year but if you think you and your ex could benefit from some mediation to review or fine tune Christmas arrangements, don't wait until next December - start arranging mediation now.  If you are disappointed with how you have handled things this year, think about a new year resolution of getting some counselling help to work on developing your skills to handle these tricky situations.

There is no denying that following separation, Christmas will never be the same as when your family was together. However, putting the effort in to carefully manage the situation can go along way towards making sure your kids have a great Christmas!

Grief in the digital age

It's 2 calendar months today since Miss T died, I actually only just realised this late in the day that it was the 13th.

Now that sounds ridiculous, everywhere you looked yesterday you were reminded it was the 12th - reminded that it was the 12th of the 12th of 2012.  So of course today was the 13th.

I would have written the date dozens of times today in file notes, looked at it in the calendar, seen it everywhere.  Somehow, it hadn't actually sunk in it was the 13th.

I think it might be one of those strange things that happen to make sure you keep going, I think my mind has shut off from the countdown of how many days since.  In its place I am instead constantly thinking about what if Miss T was still here - that she'd be nine months now, that she would be sitting up, that she might even be crawling or at least moving around a bit.  That the constant worry about coughs and colds probably would have disappeared and instead been replaced by worry about keeping her cool and hydrated in this heat.  And of course the game of what outfit would have she worn today...

I keep going to the reference points I have created, looking at the babies I know that were born within days of Miss T and looking at their progress.  Looking back at the photos of R and R when they were 9 months old, just to remind myself of what she might have looked like at that age.  In my mind's eye she is stuck looking like she looked at about 12 weeks, not even the bouncy baby she was when she died at 28 weeks.

It's funny that even when I wasn't really clicking that it was the 2 month mark today, without even thinking about that consciously, I found myself wanting to talk about Miss T, heard myself cautiously mentioning her name in conversation a few times today.  Saying her name out loud is hard, once it is uttered it spookily sounds as if she is still here.  Plus there is the shudder of people who hear you say it.

It wasn't just me feeling like that today though.  Raff clearly had a day full of Thommy thoughts and for the hour after he on arrived home tonight he managed to bring every conversation back to his Thommy - an explanation of what he would say to someone if they asked where she was (she died so now she is in heaven with God), a description of how her coffin was lowered into the grave and did it land gently or with a bump, even hypothesising how she would have been reacting to him teasing his brother at the dinner table.  All delivered very matter-of-factly by an amazing kid with an incredible ability to think things through, at the age of 3.

I have often thought about the many empty spots in family trees, the many of our ancestors who had children die.  In my maternal grandfather's (there's a phrase only a family lawyer drops into conversation so easily) this was to the extent that one family had a number of names repeated when a later baby was given the same name as their pre-deceased sibling.  I have thought about how those families coped with such grief, was it easier or harder because the death of a baby was more common.

One thing that keeps striking me is how different is grief in the digital age.

Those grieving mothers probably packed up a box of memories of the baby and tried to move on - the box is pretty unwieldy in the digital age.  Turn on the iphone, there's Miss T, turn on the computer, there's Miss T on the screensaver, same for the iPad.  Scroll back through your facebook feed: it's her life in a nutshell.  Feel like remembering with a photo, there's thousands of photos carried with you on the ipad ready to be looked at any hour of the day or night. 

Gee,  if you are feeling brave enough sitting on your phone are the photos of the family holding the still warm but gone Miss T in a random back room of the ED.  Yep, the digital age means you have your camera with you everywhere.  

But the digital age also means we have amazing instant connection.  Amazing support from wonderful friends, interesting banter, constant knowledge to occupy your thoughts.  The ability to engage in 140 characters when it is too hard to hold a whole conversation.

Yeah, I think I'm grateful that I'm not stuck with some small print from a box brownie, even though sometimes turning on my phone causes me to gasp.