thanks for the memories 2012

This time last year we were only weeks away from welcoming Miss T into the world.  Now at the end of 2012, we have had 11 weeks without her: what a lot can happen in a year.

A few people have commented to me: "bet you can't wait for 2012 to be over".  No, 2012 has been an amazing year and in lots of ways I don't want it to end.

The end of the year always brings a lot of reflection - given my birthday is Christmas Eve I suspect I reflect more than others as I contemplate "another year over and a new one begun" both on the calendar and my age.  The thought I can't shake today is as the clock ticks over tonight that will end the only year in which we had Miss T.

Thankfully, largely as a result of the last couple of years including "take a photo a day" resolutions we have lots of pictures....here are the favourites.

From our own cameras, in no particular order:

So, tonight frock up and raise a glass of bubbles in memory of Miss T......

'tis the season

It is certainly starting to feel a lot like Christmas - the hot and balmy weather we have been experiencing exacerbating the Christmas pressure that seems to be on - lots of people out shopping, lots of traffic, Christmas catch ups, the rush to the end of the year.

Everyone in our house seems exhausted, the school year seems to be taking a long time to finish and getting people out of bed in the morning is getting harder.

The world of family law is particularly sensitive to Christmas.

Christmas can be such a difficult time to manage for separated families.  It is logistically difficult, it's emotionally difficult, it's even financially difficult.

This year will be my 19th Christmas as a family lawyer, so here's a collection of hints and tips I have gathered over the years for the separated family:

• Plan ahead.  If you saw the list of things I need to do in the next few days to get my own Christmas organised, you would be forgiven for thinking I am no expert at planning ahead for this festive season.  However, here I am meaning don't put off the difficult conversation with the other party about Christmas arrangements, the closer you leave that to Christmas the harder the task will be.

• Step away from the hype - time and time again I have seen family law negotiations that have almost reached agreement either fall apart of take an unbelievable amount of time and pressure all because of trying to sort out Christmas arrangements.  My observation is that often this happens because people get too caught up in the hype of Christmas and wanting arrangements that either fill that hype or satisfy the expectations of their wider family and friends.  Does enjoying Christmas with your children have to be about seeing them on the day every year?  Will your children benefit more from other special arrangements on another day?  A childhood friend of mine always had Christmas with his Dad on the first weekend in December - I even went along a couple of times and it was great to have a whole different special event on a day dedicated to it.

• Try to work out presents jointly with the other parent.  Don't use Christmas as an opportunity to bribe the kids with gifts, or to compensate for something.  In my work as an Independent Children's Lawyer I often see the negative impact of such games around presents for kids.

• In negotiating Christmas arrangements do your best to ensure that children don't have to be transported long distances on Christmas Day.  Christmas day is not a great day for travelling.  Combine that with the stress and tension of changeover and the risk is heightened.  Avoid it if you can.

• Create new Christmas rituals with your children in your new circumstances, try and create a new magic of Christmas rather than making the old feel awkward

• If you find it difficult to communicate with your ex, avoid alcohol so that you are in the best place to maximise the interactions being pleasant

• Make sure your wider family is on its best behaviour and be particularly mindful of the negative impact on kids of "bagging" the ex.  Be mindful that kids pick up on not only the words but also the unsaid - make sure your mum isn't huffing and rolling her eyes every time your kids mention their mum/dad (yep, I have seen that come back to haunt people in court proceedings)

• It's too late for this year, but start now planning to budget for Christmas next year.  Being worried about not having enough money for Christmas or managing debt after Christmas is added pressure that can lead to blow ups.  

• Again, too late for this year but if you think you and your ex could benefit from some mediation to review or fine tune Christmas arrangements, don't wait until next December - start arranging mediation now.  If you are disappointed with how you have handled things this year, think about a new year resolution of getting some counselling help to work on developing your skills to handle these tricky situations.

There is no denying that following separation, Christmas will never be the same as when your family was together. However, putting the effort in to carefully manage the situation can go along way towards making sure your kids have a great Christmas!

Grief in the digital age

It's 2 calendar months today since Miss T died, I actually only just realised this late in the day that it was the 13th.

Now that sounds ridiculous, everywhere you looked yesterday you were reminded it was the 12th - reminded that it was the 12th of the 12th of 2012.  So of course today was the 13th.

I would have written the date dozens of times today in file notes, looked at it in the calendar, seen it everywhere.  Somehow, it hadn't actually sunk in it was the 13th.

I think it might be one of those strange things that happen to make sure you keep going, I think my mind has shut off from the countdown of how many days since.  In its place I am instead constantly thinking about what if Miss T was still here - that she'd be nine months now, that she would be sitting up, that she might even be crawling or at least moving around a bit.  That the constant worry about coughs and colds probably would have disappeared and instead been replaced by worry about keeping her cool and hydrated in this heat.  And of course the game of what outfit would have she worn today...

I keep going to the reference points I have created, looking at the babies I know that were born within days of Miss T and looking at their progress.  Looking back at the photos of R and R when they were 9 months old, just to remind myself of what she might have looked like at that age.  In my mind's eye she is stuck looking like she looked at about 12 weeks, not even the bouncy baby she was when she died at 28 weeks.

It's funny that even when I wasn't really clicking that it was the 2 month mark today, without even thinking about that consciously, I found myself wanting to talk about Miss T, heard myself cautiously mentioning her name in conversation a few times today.  Saying her name out loud is hard, once it is uttered it spookily sounds as if she is still here.  Plus there is the shudder of people who hear you say it.

It wasn't just me feeling like that today though.  Raff clearly had a day full of Thommy thoughts and for the hour after he on arrived home tonight he managed to bring every conversation back to his Thommy - an explanation of what he would say to someone if they asked where she was (she died so now she is in heaven with God), a description of how her coffin was lowered into the grave and did it land gently or with a bump, even hypothesising how she would have been reacting to him teasing his brother at the dinner table.  All delivered very matter-of-factly by an amazing kid with an incredible ability to think things through, at the age of 3.

I have often thought about the many empty spots in family trees, the many of our ancestors who had children die.  In my maternal grandfather's (there's a phrase only a family lawyer drops into conversation so easily) this was to the extent that one family had a number of names repeated when a later baby was given the same name as their pre-deceased sibling.  I have thought about how those families coped with such grief, was it easier or harder because the death of a baby was more common.

One thing that keeps striking me is how different is grief in the digital age.

Those grieving mothers probably packed up a box of memories of the baby and tried to move on - the box is pretty unwieldy in the digital age.  Turn on the iphone, there's Miss T, turn on the computer, there's Miss T on the screensaver, same for the iPad.  Scroll back through your facebook feed: it's her life in a nutshell.  Feel like remembering with a photo, there's thousands of photos carried with you on the ipad ready to be looked at any hour of the day or night. 

Gee,  if you are feeling brave enough sitting on your phone are the photos of the family holding the still warm but gone Miss T in a random back room of the ED.  Yep, the digital age means you have your camera with you everywhere.  

But the digital age also means we have amazing instant connection.  Amazing support from wonderful friends, interesting banter, constant knowledge to occupy your thoughts.  The ability to engage in 140 characters when it is too hard to hold a whole conversation.

Yeah, I think I'm grateful that I'm not stuck with some small print from a box brownie, even though sometimes turning on my phone causes me to gasp.

Awesome Orla

Well, I couldn't go too long without sharing another area of my expertise, shopping!

Anyone following me on pinterest would have a fair chance of gathering that I am a huge fan of Irish born, now London based textile and many other things designer Orla Kiely

Oh, how I love her retro style stem designs:

I think originally it was the beautiful autumnal tones (so suited for the auburn haired) that I loved - not surprising that Orla another ranga would feature them.  My collection has grown - bags, nappy bag, tins, towels, wallet, scarves, mugs, linen, picture books there's a lot of Orla around here.

So there was a lot of excitement when I spied in my twitter feed today that a new shipment of lots of things Orla has landed a mere 80km or so from home.  Rather than just pinning, or thinking of spending a fortune on international shipping or trying to convince my London based friend to bring some home at Christmas, they are now so close they must be almost mine!

Where you say?

Surely you have discovered the sweet little boutique in Daylesford Lark.  Calling it a sweet little shop in Daylesford is really not doing it justice as it is one of the best internet shopping sites in Australia - swift, sweet service, flat price postage and best of all you can shop online getting things not available elsewhere in Australia with the comfort of knowing you are actually spending your money in regional Victoria!  

Only downside is that the lovely Allison from Lark is more aligned with Ballarat than Bendigo (we do have to be parochial).

Now maybe I should have waited and made a trip to Daylesford and taken some photos of what I am keen to buy but I was so excited to share I'll just link to some of the front runners.  And if you really want to keep dreaming - and you subscribe to The Times Online - this profile on  Orla's own house in Clapham is a must read!

The beach towel

much prettier than Pete's plastic compost containers The composter

 Do I get new towels now or wait for my reno's to be done

Miss T

So, it has been 6 weeks since my darling Thomasina died.  In the past year she was a huge part of my life.  In the last 6 weeks she has been in my thoughts for basically every waking moment.

I think I will be talking a lot about her here - so as an introduction here is the eulogy/words of farewell I gave at her funeral

words of farewell

We always knew that we might not have Thomasina with us for long, but we never expected that it would be quite this short.

Our family could have been complete with just our two beautiful crzay red-headed boys - life was good: Remus had started school, Raff was loving creche, work was going well, the crazy days of Board’s had come to an abrupt halt, plans for the major renovations to Brougham St were well underway.  But something else was needed, and we were blessed with a new little person being on the way.  Debilitating morning sickness coupled with whooping cough didn’t make me feel too blessed in those early weeks and months of pregnancy so making it as far as the 20 week scan, coupled with coming out of the fog of sickness felt good

Felt good until our worlds came crashing down with the news during that scan on Melbourne Cup Eve last year when I first head the words “something doesn’t look right with the heart”.  

And so began 18 weeks of medical assessments, lots of tears, not much sleep and too much “asking Mr Google”.  

I guess now we are living the nightmare we imagined at that time.

Thomasina throughout her short life, right to the very end, looked so well it is sometimes a hard to remember that she was chronically ill and her condition an extremely complicated one: this was no baby just with a little hole in the heart.

Thomasina’s actual condition included:

right atrial isomerism

AVSD - atrioventicular septal defect

DORV - double outlet right ventricle

transpositon of great vessels

bilateral SVC - bilaterial superior venal cava

Or in the way it would be described each day during rounds at the Royal Children’s Hospital - she had a complex cardiac condition.  In addition she is asplenic and had a Ladds procedure on her bowel to prevent a malrotation of the bowel

In common language, Thomasina was what would have been known as a blue baby 20 years ago, not that long ago her condition would have been undetected prior to birth and highly likely she would have died within a few days of birth before the problem was discovered.

We are so lucky that our journey with that complicated anatomy was guided by Thomasina’s wonderful cardiologist Lance Fong with his careful consideration....and his great hope that Thomasina’s heart one day could be repaired.

There was some hope that upon birth she may have lasted 3 months before her first surgery but as we began the constant watch of oxygen saturation levels it became clear that this was not going to be the case and at just over 72 hours she made the trip from Monash to Parkville to undergo her first surgery.  As parochial as I may be regarding Monash, must admit it was much nicer to be in Parkville - closer to Princes Park, Brunetti’s and Black Orange.

Words cannot describe the sense of relief of arriving at the wonderful new Royal Children’s Hospital.  There are a couple of people here today who were part of a team who sat around a cabinet table that made the commitment to build that hospital.  The worth of that building to the people of Victoria should never be underestimated.  

I know a couple of things about building hospitals and their design.  To experience the difference that a well designed hospital can have is another thing all together.  I dread to think how different our experience would have been without those facilities - the natural light, the non-clinical feel, how comfortable it was for Remus and Raff, how good those green couches are.

Thomasina’s first surgery in which she had a modified BT shunt inserted to redirect blood flow around her heart until her heart could be repaired or permanent diversions created took place when she was 5 days old.  I cannot describe the stress of kissing goodbye your 5 day old baby as they head into 5 hours of surgery.  But as her wonderful surgeon Yves D’udokem told us the night of that surgery he “did good” and her journey of recovery began.  It was 4 weeks and another 5 trips to theatre including major bowel surgery before we got to take our Tommy home a few days before Easter.

While that time was stressful, we felt like we should be everywhere at once, it was also some of the most magical times in our lives.  Having a newborn in hospital meant we had to stop, we had to spend a lot of time sitting around, we had to spend a lot of time in Melbourne - Remus was particularly happy with that.

Still, it was a relief to be home.  Yet it was high stress.  A good friend of mine who has had decades of caring for a child with chronic illness compared the stress to always being on safari - you are forever wondering whether that crackle is just a harmless leaf  you stepped on or is it a tiger about to get you.

Everyday there were lots of crackles, and during the 7 months only a couple of tigers.

For 7 months I lived everyday thinking that what happened in the early hours of last Saturday morning was going to happen that day - that there would be a sudden noise, that Thomasina would arrest and that it would all be over. I know that Remus too worried like that, we have chatted this week about how it is so sad that Thomasina has gone but that no longer are we constantly worrying about her.

Her time with us was full of that stress, full of medical appointments and the hours seemed to go quickly between the times we had to administer her medicine which she hated. 

Yet, we had a wonderful time together.

From prior to her birth we were aware of the impact that having a chronically ill child can have on a family - although the warnings it will mean lots of trips to Melbourne had little impact on me, but quite an impact on my credit card!  

We worked hard to make sure we minmised those risks; Remus and Rafferty loved spending time at the Royal Chicken’s Hospital and we had lots of adventures during those times.  During our times at RCH we had amazing support from Felicity - who would magically appear on the ward each evening and often taking me off to some of Melbourne’s best dining experiences for dinner, although the night we just ate grilld in the car in Gatehouse St would probably be the lowest point!

We made a deliberate decision to try and provide Thomasina with as normal life as possible, this was no sick baby who was closeted away at home - she had a magical life where she met so many people.

Thomasina was lucky enough to spend some time at Books and Blocks, I am so pleased we got to share her with the wonderful educators there.  She also spent a lot of time in my office and some time in Pete’s office.  She met many of my clients, could pick up on where they were emotionally and react accordingly and she was a constant joy yet distraction in our workspace.

Thomasina also had a social life that many people 20 years older than her would envy - she spent hours in local coffee shops, went to many a meeting and function and even partied hard at 3 Possum parties - including managing to loose her skirt on the way home from the last party.  

And of course she managed to do what her mother had always hoped to - to charm Kouta.

Thomasina was so lucky to have her two beautiful red-headed brothers.  They fell in love with her instantly, were so kind and loving to her: often Raff a little bit too in her face,  

It was so clear that Thomasina got such enjoyment from the crazy antics and love of her brothers.  While it is horribly unfair that they have had to suffer losing her, I know that they are better people for knowing her and her short life was so much better because of them.

Just 2 months ago Thomasina had another 12 days in RCH and her second batch of surgery where her original shunt was upgraded to a larger shunt. We had hoped that shunt would work for another 12 to 18 months so she could grow before a decision was made as to whether it was possible to attempt all the replumbing which would see her heart repaired or whether she would undergo a Fontan procedure which would see permanent diversions created.  

One of the concerns about which way Thomasina would have gone when that decision came is that there is little data about the long term outcomes of the Fontan procedure - the donations we have suggested today to the Murdoch Institute will go to the work of the Fontan Registry, a project conducted by her wonderful surgeon Yves D’udokem looking at those long term impacts.

Yves description of where he wanted Thomasina to get to was encapsulated in his description that success is where his patients grow up and pay taxes.  That became our aim, a nice way of describing that one day Thomasina would be grown up, well enough to be employed.  After the last surgery we started to imagine that could be the case.  We also had a massive sense of relief that we would have 12 to 18 months before the next surgery. 

Since the famous day in the Nursery on Derby Day 2001, Pete and I have been a pretty good team - but the past 12 months have shown us just how far we could take that team.  It has been tough: the sadness upon initial diagnosis, juggling where we all were during the times in hospital, living for 7 months with only a couple of occassions where we got to sleep for more than 3 hours at a stretch, the constant stress.  But we have done it well, we have had fun, we have done a lot of things.  It has been a very special time and I thank Pete for sharing that time, for putting up with me in the less than glorious moments of my tiredness and stress and for never asking how much I spent on Thomasina’s outfits.

Last Saturday morning we did the ultimate thing parents can do for their child as we worked together to breathe life back into our Tommy.  Those of you who know me well would not be suprised that my CPR technique was probably a little too rough and enthusiastic but I was giving it one big effort despite knowing that we had always been told that there is nothing that could be done if Thomasina had a collapse or blockage of the shunt or an arrest.  Being able to perform CPR when it matters is an amazing opportunity, you don’t need to do a first aid course to learn - I urge all of you to get on the Ambulance Victoria website today and order their 4 steps for life kit where you can learn CPR on a pillow in an afternoon.

In the past week as we have grappled with why Thomasina has been taken and taken so soon, we have realised that she truly did bring something special to people in her short life.  It is amazing to see that in a life so short you could have an impact on so many people.  Whether it is our family, our friends, the many people she got to know through facebook and twitter, our workmates, my clients so many people have been touched by Thomasina.  

We are particularly comforted that Thomasina bought special happiness to two very special people: Nick and Claude.

Clearly she has taught us how fragile life can be but also how strong we can all be.  She has taught us that there is joy in the little things, in the special moments.  And this week has proven that there is an amazing benefit to living in the community of Bendigo where so many people have supported us.  Yep, as the world becomes more global we become more tribal and while the global bit of internet and facebook lightened our journey with Thomasina it is our village that has made her life so special.

To Remus and Rafferty, thank you for being such wonderful big brothers, for being so brave and for loving Tommy-ina so much.  While we are sad she is no longer with us, we will have wonderful times together still and I reckon Remus you might even get to go to London sooner than we planned....

My arms ache as I don’t hold my darling girl, a piece of me has been torn away.  Now all I can do is borrow the words of another red head in a much different context. 

We will never forget you Thomasina - not now, not ever. 

Loving right now....

All the great coffee in Bendigo - Brewhouse, Old Green Bean, Coffee Business especially

Seeing my eldest son R7 totally enthralled in his reading - to see that love of a book that it is the first thing you reach for in the morning, that you run to when you get home, that you are so focussed you block out everything else around you.  The world of Geronimo Stilton

After over a year without a working oven in our house, I now have an oven again.  See, I was holding out until we do our renovations.  We can't seem to get out of the planning stage of said reno's so I have admitted defeat and installed a "just until the reno's" oven.  And I shall be baking again!

The fruit salad with yoghurt, honey and dukkah at Old Green Bean

That I have only had 1 chocolate in the last 2 weeks - and that was a Haigh's Violet Cream

My new DVF shoes

That it is starting to feel a lot like Christmas.........

What is this all about?

The words to kick off this blog have been tumbling around in my mind for many months now, I've spent too long waiting for the right post to launch into this.

So, no more waiting - hopping into it instead!

Like my life, this blog shall be a convergence of the many things that take up my thoughts - be that the fascinating world of family law, the challenges of running a small business in a regional city ('cos a law firm really is a small business), the wonderful place that is Bendigo, fine food, wine, craft beer and coffee, parenting, supporting women, fine fashion, social justice.....the list goes on.

Sadly, there is another twist to this blog, 6 weeks ago my darling 7 month old daughter who had been born with a complex cardiac condition died.  No doubt, this blog shall also cover Miss T's story and our dealing with her departure.

Now to see how I transition to communicating in more than 140 characters......

separated or not?

Last week the High Court provided an interesting new direction in Family Law when it decided a case about a property settlement, a property settlement where the Husband and the Wife were not necessarily separated.

There's a few reasons why us family lawyers are interested in this decision and it could have some pretty big impacts on how people manage their assets in their grey years.

Distilling the wisdom of the High Court in the case which has the pseudonym "Stanford", it can provide some new approaches to how the court must consider what is fair - "just and equitable" in a property settlement.  I think of even more interest is that the case opens a gateway that in certain circumstances you don't need to be separated as a pre-requisite to asking the court to divide property between you and your spouse.

The case centred upon a couple where the Wife had a stroke and then developed dementia.  Their marriage was a second marriage for both of them, both had now adult children from their previous marriages (often a complicating factor in "grey divorces").  Although it was a second marriage, they had been married for over 20 years.

Despite the passage of time since they had married, the house in which they had lived for all of that marriage remained in the Husband's sole name.  No doubt the Wife had made contributions of both the financial and non-financial kind to that house.  The Wife had also sold the house she had at the commencement of the marriage and it would appear applied that money to their lives.

So, by the time she is in a nursing home and suffering dementia, she has no assets in her name and the house in which she had lived for the last couple of decades and was now worth a not insignificant sum, was in her Husband's name only.

Her daughter then wants her to move to a different nursing home, one requiring substantially more money than her mum has.  So, the daughter, on behalf of her mother commences a family law application seeking a property settlement, a property settlement when the Husband and Wife had not separated other than the change of circumstances arising from the Wife's change of health.

I won't muddy the waters by going into how the case got complicated because the Wife died during the appeal process (a story for another time) or on what it might mean for how courts consider property applications in the future.  Nor, how a lot of the case turns on the fact that the daughter after her mother's death was talking about assets she would receive from her mum's estate.

Instead, today's emphasis is on what this means for the growing number of instances where a couple due to age, dementia or ill health are living apart but would not have otherwise parted ways.  In the instances where I have seen similar things happen to couples, it is not separation as contemplated by the traditional reading of the Family Law Act.

Yet, you can imagine such sad circumstances could lead to a situation where the Family Law Act needs to apply, where one party would be provided better care, or security, or the meeting of expenses if their property, or maintenance issues were settled.

With an ageing population and the pressures on our aged care and health care systems, the situation faced in "Stanford" is going to become more common.

After last week what we can see is that even if the change of health is the only reason a couple are now apart, the doors to the court to sort out their finances may still be opened.