4 months

Today marks 4 months of living this life that I hadn't planned, a life with a great lump of sadness, of something missing, of something that can never be made better.

4 months since we became the family that had the baby that died.

4 months of empty aching arms.

You know I thought it was getting better, but I think I may have just learned to not scrape the surface too much.

Sure, there is no longer that total numbness there was in the first few weeks.  And that terrible taste of constant adrenelin has dissipated.

Life goes on, we work, we play, we eat, we laugh.  But always there is something missing.  As time moves on, what I am missing now is the things we never had.  No baby trying to stand and trying to walk as she might have been doing by now.  No little girl learning to stack blocks, we knew her cry but we never got to know her voice.  As Raff said, she never got to go swimming or eat chocolate.

It's 4 months of hard work.  Weeks and weeks of being strong, being positive, being mindful, living in the moment, looking after everyone.

Even though it is only mid February the season is starting to change.   Their is a tinge of colour on the trees, some sting gone out of the sun.  The days are feeling a lot more like when Miss T's arrival was immenient, her first birthday is nearly upon us.

I still have a few thank you's to write and finish, Christmas and holidays saw the flow of writing these go off track.  However, I can see that box of unfinished business means something more, I know I keep finding other things to do as once that is done I feel like a chapter will close.  While there are still Miss T jobs on the list, she's still partly here.

As time continues to march on there is more opportunity for the "if only" and "what if's".  I'm sick of the highlight reel of the last week of her life playing in my head.  Thinking of things that I might have seen, something that could have saved her.  I'm sick of the sheer terror of hearing an ambulance siren.

I search for meaning, I find myself doing more and more things to help others, some sort of strange deal where I am out to prove we are good people who should not have had such a bad thing happen to us.

Everynight without fail when I walk to my car I have a split second where I panic that I left Miss T in the car.  I'm still finding little pink socks in all sorts of places.  I deliberate as to whether to pin things I like for her on pinterest.

There have been amazing times in the past 4 months too.  Of acquaintances who have become close friends through their support, of old friends who have become closer.  People who go out of their way to remember Miss T, to think of us.  The random email or text, the invitation.  The incredible love and support of our little family that has worked so hard when we went from 4 to 5 and now 4 and one in heaven.

There's incredible disappointment too, the awkwardness of people who can't handle us, of people who don't know what to do.  People who can't see how they could help make things a little bit better.

As sad as I am, my heart sings as well.  I had my little girl, I got to dress and cuddle her for most of her 7 months.  We know how strong we are and how much love we can share.

I just wish she was here.