Having bashed my little fingers away on a little plastic toy typewriter with my growing love of words and language Santa clearly saw that I needed a better way to get my words down. On Christmas morning my delight at unwrapping a big shiny real typewriter was indescribable. This was going to be the way I would become the next Enid Blyton.
Quickly I unwrapped the typewriter from its package eagerly awaiting the first hit of metal against paper.
Such precious cargo was wrapped securely and the family gathered undoing and cutting, then BING, a loud sound as mum snipped a piece of plastic. That plastic was not protection but was the tension thread which made the whole thing work. Now before me I had the present of my dreams, rendered completely inoperable. I cried so much my nose bled.
For the next 3 weeks as we waited for a typewriter repairer to come back from January holidays I spent every moment regretting that one snip.
In year 8 I spent weeks preparing for the one casual day of the year. In Year 8, what to wear on casual day is a big thing, the careful balance between looking good, having the latest trend, but not looking like you tried hard.
I thought I had hit the mark perfectly with my stretch, zipper jeans, aqua shirt and hot pink tie (yep it was the 80's). I was walking on clouds for the morning, right up until the start of lunchtime when I chomped into my tuck shop salad roll and beetroot tumbled down my front. Pretty hard to look cool on casual day with beetroot splashed all over you.
My life is full of little moments like this where you think, "what if". If only I'd looked at the instructions for unpacking the typewriter, if only I had not had a salad roll that day. If only I had been concentrating walking down those stairs, if only I had not driven that road that day, if only I had not had that last drink....
But nothing compares to the if only's that dominate my days now. Are there if only's that would have meant Thomasina would not have had a heart condition.
If only I'd taken her to the doctors that week would have they picked up something that could have saved her.
If only I had not been so tired would have I noticed some deterioration.
If only, is there some if only that could have stopped a little girl who looked like this being dead within a week?
You know there are still days I regret what I did and didn't do on that typewriter Christmas morning. Still regret that beetroot roll. But that is nothing compared to the "if only's" I am confronted with every day for the rest of my life now......
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